I stutter occasionally. I will be mid sentence when my brain decides to stop communicating with my mouth and I get stuck on a sound. It tends to flare up when I get tired, stressed or just mentally unstable in someway.
It happened today, and as I stood there stuck on “Ra” for thirty seconds I thought how similar it was to my mood swings. I battle to take myself to stability in the same way that I try to claw my way to a word that makes sense, only getting more frustrated that there’s a missing connection that is getting in the way of what I want, only getting more embrassed that I can’t do a function as basic as speaking or being happy.
When I fall into a pit, or even worse – the cycle of miserable followed by the manic happiness and energy levels through the roof, leading to a bigger comedown than an entire crate of Ketamine, I don’t want to be there. My brain is saying that it doesn’t make sense to be crumpled in a heap and sobbing because I burnt the toast, I know logically that I shouldn’t explode at the kids because they spilt some drink, I know I shouldn’t despise my husband because I can hear his breathing. Yet I do.
Just like the stuttering it’s absolutely exhausting trying to drag myself out of that, but with depression it isn’t a case of focusing and trying to chane the word that I was about to say. It’s a very self aware battle to take myself from darkness into a functional life, knowing that there’s a good chance that I will be back there tomorrow and the battle will continue on.
There isn’t much point to this, there’s no happy ending or fabulous conclusion where I say how much this helps me grow as a person. I hate it. I hate not functioning as a regular person, I hate the lack of understanding from people who simply can’t understand why I don’t wake up one morning and just decide to be happy, I hate that it’s reached a point where I really believe my lack of stability is affecting my ability to raise my children.
I really would just like to find that switch that evens it all out and makes me normal, I’m not asking for perfection, just something closer resembling the average person. I want to be average.
Oh I know this feeling. Wanting to stab your partner because they’re daring to breath near you. Falling into a little puddle over nothing. It’s not easy, not at all.
I don’t stutter. I lose my words. I’ll be halfway through a sentence and go bleurgh and just completely lose how to speak. It’s annoying.
Gah. Breathe* with an e!
Thanks Veronica, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I think my main issue now is the lack of meds, I’m trying to stay off them for the duration of the pregnancy and I’m reaching a point where I’m really struggling.