Weep Not For The Memories

The funeral is done. I feel like the first chapter is finished, the book will never end, but the first part is done and over with, and the rest will be easier to get through.

I’m still trying to put together all of the pieces of the last fortnight, it still seems like a crazy dream, and I can’t honestly work out how I got from the excitement of Thursday morning, my waters breaking all over the bed and making our way to hospital joking about everything we still had to buy, to cremating our daughter eleven days later. This isn’t something that happens to you, it’s one of those things you just hear about, a friend of a friend experienced it, but not in any of my pregnancies did I worry for a moment about my baby dying inside me in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

This entire experience has made me look at life in a new light, see things that I previously took for granted and appreciate them more, it’s made me want to make the most of this gift I’ve been given and to achieve so much more with my time on earth.

Midway through the service today everyone there stood up and placed a present or a flower on Robyn’s casket while Eric Clapton’s ‘Tears In Heaven’ played. I’ve always loved the song, but now it feels even more poingant, in particular, this part:

I must be strong
And carry on,
‘Cause I know I don’t belong
Here in heaven.

That has stuck with me through the past few days and given me so much strength. When I wanted to curl into a ball and never face the world again, that was all that went through my head. I need my life to carry on even though hers hasn’t, I need to celebrate Declan and Connor (even when they drive me up the wall!) and I need to look after myself and make the most of my own life.

Tomorrow is a fresh start, I have new goals for CraftBlog, I need to lose about 50lbs and get much fitter and I need to not dwell one what could have been, but instead enjoy every moment. I’ve learned how precious and fragile life is, and I don’t want to ever look back and think what I could have been, I want to look back and be proud of what I have achieved.

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