Mar
Inspiration
One thing I keep on hearing over and over again since Robyn’s birth is how “inspirational” I am.
I feel like a fraud.
I certainly don’t feel inspirational, in fact I think I feel pretty much everything but that.
Today I felt jealous. The green eyed monster planted himself firmly on my shoulder in the early hours of the morning and has resided there for most of the day. I’m jealous that suddenly everyone seems to have a baby but me. I crave a little newborn to hold and cuddle, I long to feel movement in my belly again.
I wake at 3am most mornings and lay there staring at the ceiling willing myself to fall back to sleep. I’m shattered most of the day but can’t bring myself to nap. I shouldn’t be suffering from sleepless nights because of the thoughts that run through my head, I should be suffering from them because I’ve been awake all night with a baby attached to my breast. The spot in front of the window where the cradle was meant to be haunts me.
I have so much hidden bitterness to the world around me right now, that I’m trying so hard to contain, that I feel anything but inspirational.
02Mar
I think what you’re feeling is totally normal Fern and just the fact that you are feeling it and allowing yourself to feel it and that you’re able to share what you feel is a great thing.
02Mar
Someone said after their baby died that they kept getting told how strong they were and they disagreed, they didn’t feel strong, no matter what we thought of them.
I think it’s a matter of you can’t give up. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when breathing hurts so bad. You can’t just stop – even though you want to.
You are strong. Because you have to be. And god knows I wish you didn’t have to be. I wish you had a baby, not empty arms and tears and I wish I could make it easier on you.
xx
02Mar
Thank you H and Veronica, it means a lot that you’re taking this journey with me.
02Mar
I wish this wasn’t your world right now. I’m so sorry. If it is any help, this is a blog my dear friend Carly and I set up especially for families whose babies die. http://www.whisperedsupport.blogspot.com
Seraphim´s last blog .."No"
02Mar
Hi Fern.
I’m reading this just nodding my head and whispering “yes,yes” because those feelings are so familiar.
After my son died (SIDS at 48 days old) people kept saying I was brave, and it made me really angry. I wasn’t brave — I was trying to cope with something that had happened to me, that I had no choice over.
You don’t want to be inspirational — you want to be a normal, tired and probably cranky mum of a newborn.
I hated mothers whose babies weren’t dressed ‘nicely’. I hated mothers who let their babies cry while they tried to get through the checkout line. (grossly unfair I know but I still hated them) I hated mothers who complained how tired they were because they were up with the baby all night. REALLY hated them. Once I seriously thought about snatching a baby out of it’s pram (for about 2 1/2 seconds)
I worried maybe I was deranged. but then I joined a SIDS group and every parent there had had the same feelings (apart from the baby snatching) so then I knew it’s normal to feel that way.
It’ll pass.
Toni´s last blog ..another new blog
02Mar
Toni – The first week I spoke on the phone to my Mum and told her that I was at a point where I honestly was scared to go out to a public place because I was worried I would snatch the first baby I saw. I honestly can understand why women in situations such as ours do such crazy things.
Just like you I feel so much irrational bitterness to women who I suddenly deem bad mothers in my mind. I know logically that they’re (probably) not, but there’s still the thought when I see a woman with a newborn that I could look after that baby better than she can.
Thank you for your comment, it helps so much to see that although I may be a little irrational at times, I’m not alone.
02Mar
Your little Robyn is so beautiful and so is your story. Just remember that you are now a member of the Angel club. Its members are few in relation to the Mothers club but you truly have something very special. A child too beautiful for earth and now in heaven. She is smiling down at you each and every day. We too lost our baby Meredith. Seven months and a tragic accident at the baby sitter where she fell from a bed and broke her neck. You see, I am also a member of the Angel club. Meredith would be 31 this year. Her story still bright and clear in my memory and there are still tears when I replay the memory of the day she died. She will always be a part of our family as Robyn will always be a part of yours. And… I have three children, Meredith, Rachel and Charlie. I pray that peace will quickly surround you and that you feel warmth in knowing that she will always be with you in the beautiful memories that you made during the very short time she was with you.