In Waiting

My not so strict internet ban is working well. I’m focusing on my home, on the kids, and on a hell of a lot of sewing. I feel much better mentally not having unavoidable reminders of Robyn, babies or pregnancy, although I am missing mummy blogs, but at the same time I’ve found some wonderful craft blogs to fill their void for the time being. Surprisingly I’m not yearning for twitter as much as I thought I would.

I still don’t have the iPod set up to distract me, so sewing is one of the few times my mind wanders and I think of everything that has happened. I still feel so much guilt surrounding my pregnancy. I keep on replaying the scene in my head when I peed on that stick and two lines came up, where I swore, slammed the doors and lay in bed sobbing telling Dan that I didn’t want a baby, it was so unexpected. I was in tears on the phone to my mum several times, panicking about finances, buying a car to fit everybody, moving house so we could have enough space. It wasn’t until probably around 30 weeks that I really accepted that we were going to have an addition to our family and started to get excited.

Everything I was concerned about over those months seems so trivial now, never once did it even cross my mind to worry about my baby dying.

The autopsy results are just over a month away and I’m starting to panic about them. Dan and I have agreed that if it’s something that can be replicated, like a genetic issue, then we’re going to call our family complete. I can’t comprehend the thought of never being pregnant again, at the moment it’s the only thing I feel can heal me, but at the same time I don’t think I could cope with losing a baby again. Right now I feel like I’ve come out of this stronger, but if I had to live through it again I think it would just break me, and I don’t really want to be broken.

Then I think of how negative I was through my pregnancy, and how that will make me feel if I find out it was my last, I hate myself for not celebrating it like I should have.

I feel like I just have this ticking clock over my head, counting down until the 16th of April, to get the next step of closure and to have some test results decide the future of our family.

Waiting.