My not so strict internet ban is working well. I’m focusing on my home, on the kids, and on a hell of a lot of sewing. I feel much better mentally not having unavoidable reminders of Robyn, babies or pregnancy, although I am missing mummy blogs, but at the same time I’ve found some wonderful craft blogs to fill their void for the time being. Surprisingly I’m not yearning for twitter as much as I thought I would.
I still don’t have the iPod set up to distract me, so sewing is one of the few times my mind wanders and I think of everything that has happened. I still feel so much guilt surrounding my pregnancy. I keep on replaying the scene in my head when I peed on that stick and two lines came up, where I swore, slammed the doors and lay in bed sobbing telling Dan that I didn’t want a baby, it was so unexpected. I was in tears on the phone to my mum several times, panicking about finances, buying a car to fit everybody, moving house so we could have enough space. It wasn’t until probably around 30 weeks that I really accepted that we were going to have an addition to our family and started to get excited.
Everything I was concerned about over those months seems so trivial now, never once did it even cross my mind to worry about my baby dying.
The autopsy results are just over a month away and I’m starting to panic about them. Dan and I have agreed that if it’s something that can be replicated, like a genetic issue, then we’re going to call our family complete. I can’t comprehend the thought of never being pregnant again, at the moment it’s the only thing I feel can heal me, but at the same time I don’t think I could cope with losing a baby again. Right now I feel like I’ve come out of this stronger, but if I had to live through it again I think it would just break me, and I don’t really want to be broken.
Then I think of how negative I was through my pregnancy, and how that will make me feel if I find out it was my last, I hate myself for not celebrating it like I should have.
I feel like I just have this ticking clock over my head, counting down until the 16th of April, to get the next step of closure and to have some test results decide the future of our family.
Waiting.
Oh Fern, it’s always so hard to hear someone write about feeling guilty, because from my perspective I can see that there is nothing to feel guilty about, you were reacting like any other woman would.
But then also, I can see where you’re coming from and I know that if it was me, I would have a huge burden of guilt, whether it was silly or not.
I’m thinking of you. Peace and strength your way. xx
You are strong, you are full of love for Robyn and you are getting through a terribly impossible circumstance. Nothing you did or thought had any bearing on your outcome and please don’t torture yourself with those thoughts. I know that it is part of the process though and just hope you pass through this part quickly because that guilt is not serving you well.
You are doing what needs doing though by staying busy and focusing on time with your other children.
God bless you now and in the future. May the answers provide you with direction and some semblance of peace.
.-= Tootertotz´s last blog ..Share yourself =-.
I’m so glad you are taking care of yourself *hug*
.-= Fiona´s last blog ..WIN for Easter: The Purple Glitter Jesus Money Box =-.
oh, man, can I relate. When I found out I was pregnant with my 5th, I got a referral for an abortion (long story) — decided against it (on the lawn outside the clinic) and then later lost him to SIDS.
It took me a long time to get the guilt sorted out in my head. But eventually I realised that it was the pregnancy I hadn’t wanted…. not the baby. Him I loved with all my heart.
Every bereaved parent I’ve ever spoken to has spoken about guilt. We all feel it, for one reason or another.
I am hoping that the autopsy results give you guys some peace. Now doesn’t THAT sound like an oxymoron?
Do what you gotta do to get yourself through each day.
.-= Toni´s last blog ..mad mad giveaway =-.
oh Fern don’t beat yourself up. As much as you may have not wanted to be pregnant for a while you did come around and you were ready to welcome Robyn into this world. And she knows you wanted her and she knows you love her. No matter what you felt during the pregnancy that will never change.
Fern, from the outside looking in I have only compassion for you and your range of reactions to your pregnancy. I think it’s perfectly normal. I also think feeling guilty is perfectly normal though I wish that would ease, for your sake. I recently wrote a post about losing my mom to cancer and I had a number of people respond to it, both in the comments and privately through email. The most common response from everyone who had lost someone was the complexity of emotions they felt surrounding their loss. As a result I wrote a follow up post talking about the anger and guilt, etc, I felt around my mom’s dying and death. All of this is to say that I don’t think loss is ever clean in the sense that we only feel “proper” emotions. All of our love relationships are complex, and I think this would include our relationships with our unborn children, so of course we feel a breadth and complexity of emotions when we lose them, including guilt. I don’t think the fact that you at first felt unprepared to bring a new life into the world in any way diminishes you or the love you had for Robyn.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Hey, it’s Pi Day =-.
You’re human. You join a long list of women who’ve cried because they’re pregnant and not wanted the baby.
What happens after that is in the hands of fate.
But you’re reaction is perfectly human in every way.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Monday: =-.