10 hours until Dan and I head into the hospital for my post-natal check up and to discuss the results from Robyn’s autopsy.
Dan’s gone to bed early.
Me, myself and I don’t tend to make for a very stable mental state. I hate being alone at the best of times, when I’m nervous about something then I go a little bit psycho.
And I’m super nervous about this.
Best outcome – They know exactly what caused her death, it was some 1 in 20,000,000 freak accident and will never happen again, more babies will be in our future.
Average outcome – They don’t know what caused her death, but nothing is ringing any alarm bells regarding having another child.
Worse outcome – They know what caused it, there is a high likelihood of it happening again, in fact, the boys were complete miracles. No more babies.
I keep repeating in my head how lucky I am to have Declan and Connor, how I already have far more than some people do. But the fact that in ten hours there’s a possibility that someone is going to tell me that there won’t be another pregnancy and another, living, child in my future scares the crap out of me. A few weeks ago I couldn’t even process that as a possibility, and now it’s completely consuming my thoughts. This goes far beyond wanting another child, I NEED another child, children. I feel like a chunk of me is missing, and I know it’s not going to be filled by another baby, but I know it will do a pretty good job of starting to patch it up.
I’m just petrified now that it isn’t going to be a possibility.
Time for bed.
oh Fern, I hope they have answers for you.
Thoughts are with you guys today, I really hope they have the answers you need *hug*
.-= Leigh´s last blog ..Happy 5th Birthday AFW… =-.
{hugs} I hope that are able to give you some answers today xx
.-= Tamsyn´s last blog ..Cute Enough? =-.
I’ve been thinking of you all morning. Waiting to hear the results from you. xx
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..More than a mother =-.
Thinking of you guys — I so hope you get the ‘right’ answers.
.-= Toni´s last blog ..on winning Lotto…. =-.
I’m thinking about you….
.-= WarsawMommy´s last blog ..Little Shoes =-.
I am happy to hear that you got the answers you were looking for Fern.
I also have factor V issues. It makes me more vulnerable to deep vein thrombosis so I must be careful on long flights to the UK.
It’s something you may also need to consider.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Friday: =-.