It’s never “since Robyn’s birth”, “since I had Robyn” or “since Robyn’s death”. It’s always just “since Robyn”.
I think everyone waited for me to crack. They all waited for the breakdown, and instead I picked myself up every morning and went out of my way to be okay. They all told me how proud they were, how well I was doing, how strong I was.
I have no idea what happened a couple of days ago, but I am struggling to be okay all of a sudden. It’s almost like I’m back in that first week. I’m full of anger and bitterness and overwhelming sadness. I’m trapped in this room full of negative thoughts, and instead of handling it and finding my way out like I did two months ago, I want to lock the windows and bolt the door and just wallow in the darkness.
I don’t understand why everything feels so raw again.
I just hate knowing you are in pain. I’m still angry for you. It’s not fair you lost Robyn. I’m here for you and love you!
Grief is a journey and sometimes, although it’s shit, you walk backwards. And that’s hard.
Thinking of you.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..A journey =-.
Fern, I wish I could make all the hurt go away HUGS
As clinical as it sounds, it is a process. One step forward…
Just let it happen. And know that we are all here to help you through.
You’re doing OK. It’s all normal, tho crappy, to go back and forth for a while. As Kelley said, just let it happen.
.-= Toni´s last blog ..Blog This challenge 42 =-.
Your mum is coming to visit, and presumably her trip was booked in anticipation of being here to see you with the new baby, which is probably stirring things up for you. Also, you’ve held it together for so long for everyone else’s sake, for everyone else you have to look after, and now the one person who can look after you is coming to visit, somewhere inside you probably just want to let go and let her look after you for awhile.
xx
M
I don’t have any profound words to help you sorry, I’ve never been through anything like this myself. I just hope you can gain something from knowing that lots of people are thinking of you.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Chocolate Puds with Warm Choc Sauce, plus Lamb Stew =-.
Oh, Fern.
If I were you, I’d be furious all the time. I know that is a big part of my personality: there is a part of me that gets so pissed about things that are NOT FAIR, and I know how angry I get on behalf of others when unfair things happen to them.
And – please forgive the question – why not wallow in sadness and anger and bitterness? Why not be furious? Why not go into the dark room and just stay there for awhile? You were so brave and strong right after losing Robyn – I imagine you wanted to be there for your other children – that you just put one foot in front of the other and got on with it.
But what about having a breakdown, now that you’ve had the report back from the autopsy? Maybe you were holding yourself together by focusing on that, and now that it’s done and you have the news, you are starting to let yourself feel again.
Maybe it’s time to feel as bad as you need to….for as long as you need to. And it may not be as long as you fear it will be: maybe you just need to do this now.
.-= WarsawMommy´s last blog ..Four Years And One Day Ago… =-.
One day at a time, I think. I have no idea what to say to you other than that I am so very, very sorry that you are going through this.
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..Sunseeker =-.
No words. Just a heartfelt prayer that you will feel better in time.
Fern, I’m so sorry. I want to echo what everyone else is saying. Grief is a journey and not a linear one. One day you feel like you’ve surmounted it all and the next you’re slammed back down into the thick of it, and there is no rhyme or reason as to why. Don’t try to figure it out. Just take it a day at a time and know that it’s perfectly normal. Take comfort from your friends and your readers, who are here to lift you up when you fall. Be easy on yourself.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Boobquake =-.
This sort of grief happens in waves. Sometimes the pain subsides for a while but it can come back with surprising force every so often. Please take care of yourself and continue to roll with the feelings as you have.
And close the curtains, nap some when you can, curl up in a ball and cry it out. You are justified in feeling whatever you need to and dealing however you need to deal.
Thinking of you.
Fern, I subscribe to craft blog and I have been thinking of you lately, I went to email you just to let you know I think about you every time I add a square to my scap quilt and then I found your other blogs. My thoughts are with you.
.-= Mrs Frankenstien´s last blog ..Stegosaurus Sighting! =-.
Hugs xxx
I’m sorry I have no great words of advice, just know that I am here for you. I have never been through the loss of a child and can’t imagine what that’s like, but having a child with a genetic skin disorder, I know that my anger, sadness, disappointment seems to come and go, and sometimes come out of nowhere. I do great with it most days, but some days, or some moments, I just think “why me” or “why Kallie” what did we do to deserve this? Its just not fair. But then life calls and you have to put it out of your mind. Please don’t think I am comparing my situation with yours, but just know that in some insanely small and minute way I can kind of get with how you are feeling. It is totally one day at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it will get easier, its has to right? And know you are loved and supported!