Only Words

Last week I bit the bullet and got a referral from our GP to go and speak to a Psychologist. He gave me a referral to who I had requested (Declan’s pysch, who announces on his card that he “does big kids too!”), but not before making me do the dreaded “How Close Are You To Jumping Off A Cliff” questionnaire and suggesting that based on my responses I shouldn’t even contemplate getting pregnant for another 18  months.

Then I burst into tears and don’t remember much else of what he said.

I left with my referral, I have an appointment booked in for Friday, and I’m a little bit stumped about it.

I don’t know what there is left to talk about. I feel like I spent the entire first month just talking about it until my jaw ached, there is nothing left to say. Robyn died, I am sad, but I need to keep functioning to look after my two living children.

I cry when I see sleeping newborns. I am jealous of their parents. Because at some point those babies will open their eyes, and mine never did.

I can’t look at ultrasound screens, on telly, on my mum’s forums, I can’t even look at the old sonograms of the boys. Because all I see is the dead upside down baby, with no movement in her chest and a room full of silent people, none of them knowing what to say next.

I can’t watch telly, I don’t want to see the news, I don’t want to see stupid fluff pieces on morning shows, I don’t want to see adverts for products offering “the best protection for your baby”. I was the best protection for my baby.

I can’t sit still and let my thoughts take over, that would be instant doom.

I can’t imagine having a baby. I can visualise my next pregnancy perfectly. I can picture myself running around after the boys with huge belly once again without any hesitation at all. I can’t imagine myself with a newborn, or with three children living under our roof, I am prepared for the death of my fourth child more so than I am for its birth.

I have irrational hatred to people that I consider to be parenting badly. The mother in the cafe mixing up formula, I deserve a child more than her, because I would breastfeed. The parents standing in the same aisle as me in Target, complaining because they can’t find anyone to babysit on Friday night, I deserve a child more than them because I would never leave it, ever.

Don’t even get me started on the emotions I have towards the people that actually ARE parenting badly. Another reason why the news is a no-go area.

I don’t want to pick up her ashes, because then we will have to scatter them, and I will lose the last little bit of her forever.

I’m not ready for another pregnancy yet, but I still sob every time my period starts.

The logic in that one fails me completely.

I am sad. I have moments of uncontrollable emotions, but on a day to day basis I am competent, I am coping well, in fact I even feel far better than I did during my PPD with Declan.

I want to go and see the psychologist and just get him to tell me that this is all normal, that everything I am feeling is what I’m meant to be feeling.

I don’t want to sit down and talk for hours about all that could have been, or why what happened, happened. It doesn’t fix anything, it doesn’t make her come back, it doesn’t even make me feel better, it just forces me to dwell on every emotion.

I just want him to tell me I’m normal, that everything I’m feeling is normal.

Since Robyn

It’s never “since Robyn’s birth”, “since I had Robyn” or “since Robyn’s death”. It’s always just “since Robyn”.

I think everyone waited for me to crack. They all waited for the breakdown, and instead I picked myself up every morning and went out of my way to be okay. They all told me how proud they were, how well I was doing, how strong I was.

I have no idea what happened a couple of days ago, but I am struggling to be okay all of a sudden. It’s almost like I’m back in that first week. I’m full of anger and bitterness and overwhelming sadness. I’m trapped in this room full of negative thoughts, and instead of handling it and finding my way out like I did two months ago, I want to lock the windows and bolt the door and just wallow in the darkness.

I don’t understand why everything feels so raw again.

Relief.

I have nothing but good news from the autopsy meeting.

They found a very aggressive infection in her lungs from the amniotic fluid. They have no idea where in infection came from, why it sprung up despite the anti-bs and most strangely, why it wasn’t picked up on any of the checks. They took blood and swabs when I was first admitted which were all absolutely fine. They did the same after her death and found the infection on the vaginal swabs, and my white blood cell count had doubled in a matter of hours. What’s odd is that at no point did I even develop a temperature or feel unwell. Her heart rate and mine were always steady, there was just nothing that could have clued anyone in.

Everything else came back in the clear, there were no chromosomal or genetic issues and all of her organs were perfectly formed.

Basically it just boils down to some really bad luck, which is pretty much the best outcome we could have hoped for. We won’t be wondering what happened forever, and we know that there are no issues with having another baby as it’s so unlikely to be repeated. The whole thing feels like this beautiful light in the pit of darkness that I feel like I’ve been living in for the last two months.

In the process of genetic testing it was discovered that I have a gene issue called Factor V, it puts me at a higher risk for blood clots, meaning I can’t go on the normal contraceptive pill, and also need to be aware of miscarriages, so finding out that is another positive thing to take from all this.

As for my next pregnancy, before we even start trying to conceive I will have a series of blood tests and swabs done and will possibly be taking aspirin to thin my blood. Once I am pregnant I will be seen at the hospital straight away (instead of GP care up until 20 weeks) and will then have regular testing to monitor for infections. Once the PPROM kicks in (which after 3 times is pretty much guaranteed now) causing my waters break, and assuming it’s after 30 weeks gestation, I will be induced immediately.

It was awesome to go back and see the doctors and midwives that helped me so much and I feel very happy and positive about everything we spoke about, I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome (other than an alive baby of course). I’m over the moon that nothing was found that will affect future pregnancies, and to be quite honest, I’m gagging to start on the testing and get pregnant, but trying very hard to be sensible at the same time. As much as my heart may want that, my brain is taking over and reminding myself that I still need time to heal in so many different ways.

I told the midwives that I would see them all again next year and this time they’ll be delivering a screaming squirmy baby.

I’m very much looking forward to that moment.

Tick. Tock.

10 hours until Dan and I head into the hospital for my post-natal check up and to discuss the results from Robyn’s autopsy.

Dan’s gone to bed early.

Me, myself and I don’t tend to make for a very stable mental state. I hate being alone at the best of times, when I’m nervous about something then I go a little bit psycho.

And I’m super nervous about this.

Best outcome – They know exactly what caused her death, it was some 1 in 20,000,000 freak accident and will never happen again, more babies will be in our future.

Average outcome – They don’t know what caused her death, but nothing is ringing any alarm bells regarding having another child.

Worse outcome – They know what caused it, there is a high likelihood of it happening again, in fact, the boys were complete miracles. No more babies.

I keep repeating in my head how lucky I am to have Declan and Connor, how I already have far more than some people do. But the fact that in ten hours there’s a possibility that someone is going to tell me that there won’t be another pregnancy and another, living, child in my future scares the crap out of me. A few weeks ago I couldn’t even process that as a possibility, and now it’s completely consuming my thoughts. This goes far beyond wanting another child, I NEED another child, children. I feel like a chunk of me is missing, and I know it’s not going to be filled by another baby, but I know it will do a pretty good job of starting to patch it up.

I’m just petrified now that it isn’t going to be a possibility.

Time for bed.

The Voices Inside My Computer

The internet plays a big part in my life, I met Dan way back when through our respective blogs (although back in the dark ages they were still called “online journals”), most of our family income in generated through our sites and connections we make online, and, as sad as it may seem to most people, pretty much 100% of my friends live online as well.

Yeah, I’m the crazy lady with friends that live inside the computer. There are a myriad of reasons for why I quite like it like this; It allows me to be a lazy friend, there’s no gatherings to attend, no phone calls that have to be made, I can pop up a note one day and say that I’m going to be focusing on other things for a couple of months, and when that’s over I’ll be welcomed back with open arms. I don’t have to make plans for lifts to places, work things out around naps or anything like that, if I need it, there’s usually someone for me to talk to hanging out on the other side of the keyboard.

But the number one reason I love the people that live inside my computer, is that they’re awesome women. They’re women that I’ve spoken to for four years, since we all fell pregnant together with our 2007 babies, people have come and gone, families have grown and break ups have happened. And through all this there’s a solid core of wonderful women who absolutely rock my world in every way imaginable.

This afternoon a parcel arrived on my doorstep. Inside were some toys for Declan and Connor (I now have Mr Potato Head’s facial features scattered across my hallway) and two boxes, one for Dan and one for myself.

Inside Dan’s box was a beautiful silver keyring with Robyn’s name and birthdate on it. Inside mine (which was polkadots, and we all know how much I love polkadots!) was the most beautiful handmade pendant and necklace A little locket with a winged heart on the front and Robyn written on the inside. These women have already done so much, supported me through everything, sent me flowers, cards and donations in Robyn’s name, and now to receive something like this, that they’ve put thought and time into choosing for me and for Dan, I’m just overwhelmed with how wonderful they are.

So this is my big f-you to all the naysayers that insist that online friends aren’t real. I’ve found my biggest support to be the people inside my computer, whether they’re from my March Mamas or complete strangers sharing their experiences online. Whether you’re sitting across a room for someone or sitting at your respective computers, it doesn’t make the emotion and the solidarity any less genuine, and I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of women at my side. When the women I went to college with and who I’ve commiserated on every break up, celebrated every new job or high test score over the last seven years, even keeping in touch with them when I’ve moved to the other side of the world. When they don’t send even the emptiest words of sympathy or regret, and yet when a collection of mothers, who by most people’s standards wouldn’t even be considered “real” friends can take time out of their life to think of me and my family, and to help us heal, I think it says a great deal about what is real and what isn’t.

This was meant to be a wonderful post celebrating how awesome my online mum’s group is, but this has been bubbling over inside me. It really is true what they say about events like this making you realise who your real friends are. I KNOW that they know what has happened, and the only thing I can hope, is that it’s not that they don’t care, it’s just that they don’t know what to say.

Bunnies.

Today I made bunnies for Declan and Conman.

We went to the playground with the boys. I watched the families around us, the brothers and sisters interacting with one another, I got jealous of the large families, which quickly turned to bitterness as I sat there and tried to work out what I’d done wrong and those parents had done right.

Was it because I slept on my back? Or when I climbed up a ladder during my second trimester? Were the Wasabi cravings in the first trimester the reason for it all?

I just wish there was a way of knowing why I’m only making two bunnies for Easter instead of three.

Eighteen days till the autopsy results… time is going so slowly. I so badly want it to get here so I can get some reasons, some closure, but at the same time I don’t want the day to arrive, just in case they don’t have any answers for me.

We still haven’t picked up her ashes.

One Month Down

Yesterday was my due date, the magical 40 week mark that I still have yet to hit with any of my pregnancies, it also marked one month since Robyns birth and death.

I guess that officially that should be death and birth, death came before birth for her, which is just an odd concept to wrap your head around.

I’d been dreading the anniversary, was preparing myself to be a wreck for the entire day, but it came and went without a tear shed. Why should one day hurt any more than the previous ones simply because it’s a full month, year or decade. Anniversaries are what we make them, so I made yesterday a celebration of Connor’s 18 month birthday, with cupcakes that spilled out of their wrappers and a bright yellow crown that was too small for his head.

The emotions are different now, the grief and pain isn’t completely overwhelming, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it’s just a pang, like this morning seeing a pink and black newborn outfit I would have bought, sometimes a scene in a movie will set me off (FYI, when you’ve just lost a child, Kill Bill is probably not advised) it’s like I’m drowning in tears and I need Dan there rubbing my back and helping me to calm down.

I’ve come a long way in a month. For the nine days in between her birth and the funeral I wrote daily in a private journal, it helped me process things. Just reading back on those first few days shows me how far I’ve come, logic and sense have returned.

The overwhelming desire to steal someone’s baby has left and although I think about getting pregnant almost hourly, I also know that’s not going to be a good move for me, mentally or physically, right now.

I no longer feel guilt for walking away and leaving her in the hospital, instead sense has returned and I understand that there wasn’t anything else we could do.

The haze of confusion has made way for a whole new wave of ambition and determination. I was so insistent that this all had to be happening for a reason, something good must come from it, and if that something good is me being a better mother, and more enthusiasm to achieve bigger and better things in my personal goals, then I’m happy with that.

We still have more hurdles to jump over, we got a letter a couple of days ago saying that Robyn’s ashes were ready to be picked up, we need to scatter them, and then the dreaded autopsy results in just under a month. But overall I feel each week my mental state improves a little bit, the individual days, and even hours, are up and down, but if you step back and look at it on a bigger scale, I’m getting there, I don’t think the pain will ever heal, but ever so slowly it’s easing, and that’s all I can hope for right now.

In Waiting

My not so strict internet ban is working well. I’m focusing on my home, on the kids, and on a hell of a lot of sewing. I feel much better mentally not having unavoidable reminders of Robyn, babies or pregnancy, although I am missing mummy blogs, but at the same time I’ve found some wonderful craft blogs to fill their void for the time being. Surprisingly I’m not yearning for twitter as much as I thought I would.

I still don’t have the iPod set up to distract me, so sewing is one of the few times my mind wanders and I think of everything that has happened. I still feel so much guilt surrounding my pregnancy. I keep on replaying the scene in my head when I peed on that stick and two lines came up, where I swore, slammed the doors and lay in bed sobbing telling Dan that I didn’t want a baby, it was so unexpected. I was in tears on the phone to my mum several times, panicking about finances, buying a car to fit everybody, moving house so we could have enough space. It wasn’t until probably around 30 weeks that I really accepted that we were going to have an addition to our family and started to get excited.

Everything I was concerned about over those months seems so trivial now, never once did it even cross my mind to worry about my baby dying.

The autopsy results are just over a month away and I’m starting to panic about them. Dan and I have agreed that if it’s something that can be replicated, like a genetic issue, then we’re going to call our family complete. I can’t comprehend the thought of never being pregnant again, at the moment it’s the only thing I feel can heal me, but at the same time I don’t think I could cope with losing a baby again. Right now I feel like I’ve come out of this stronger, but if I had to live through it again I think it would just break me, and I don’t really want to be broken.

Then I think of how negative I was through my pregnancy, and how that will make me feel if I find out it was my last, I hate myself for not celebrating it like I should have.

I feel like I just have this ticking clock over my head, counting down until the 16th of April, to get the next step of closure and to have some test results decide the future of our family.

Waiting.

Robyn’s Birth Story

On Thursday morning, the 18th, my waters broke whilst I was laying in bed having a chat with Declan. We dropped the boys around to my in laws and made our way off to hospital. The midwives confirmed that my waters had broken and, in exactly the same way as I was with Connor and Declan, I wasn’t contracting. They explained that as I wasn’t quite 36 weeks yet they’d delay inducing (again, as they’d done with my previous pregnancies) until 37 weeks. I was pissed that I’d have to spend an entire week eating hospital food and sleeping in a single bed, and was bummed about missing Declan’s third birthday the following day, but I was happy that this time I’d managed to make it to 36 weeks meaning that I only had a 7 day wait instead of the 3 weeks I was in hospital before delivering Connor.

Dan and I sat and waited for a room to clear out on the ward. We finally, after much debating, decided on both a boys name and a girls name. We laughed about how unprepared we were this time around, we still hadn’t bought a bouncer, and we needed a double pram because Connor still refuses to use his feet. He left early to clean up the lounge for the carpet cleaners, promising that he’d come in the following morning with Connor.

They found me a room not long after he left and I got settled in, I wrote a book review for CraftBlog, ate dinner (well, ate the potato from my plate and then went to the hospital cafe to find something more edible), watched American Psycho and went to bed.

The midwives checked me and gave me anti-bs at 12pm, 6pm, 9pm and again at 12am, baby was always around 150bpm, my temp never went higher than 37* and my blood pressure was excellent. I threw up the antibiotics given to me at 6, so they gave me another dose to make up for it, as well as some anti-nausea meds.

I fell asleep early, slept a few hours and then tossed and turned the rest of the night, the air conditioning was rattling, the baby in the next room was screaming and my own little one was kicking me over and over again in the ribs, I remember shifting my position to try to move her down so it wasn’t as painful. I turned my phone on to check the time, 4am, I put some scrunched up tissue in my ears to block out the sound of the air conditioner and fell back asleep.

The night shift midwife, Macca, came in at 6am with a cheery good morning, set my antibiotics down and got to taking my temp and blood pressure whilst we chatted about me getting a day pass to get out to celebrate Declan’s birthday.

When she placed the doppler on my stomach and didn’t pick something up straight away. I wasn’t concerned in the slightest, I’d felt her moving so much during the night that I figured she’d just found a new spot to lay in, I joked that the baby was just like its Dad and liked to lay in, I said that I was glad one of us got some sleep through all the noise of the ward. She pressed it into my stomach over and over again, having me roll from side to side. She said it was probably just an issue with the batteries and went out to change them.

I lay in bed and poked my stomach, had a chat to my belly and told the babe to wake up otherwise they were going to make me drink a tonne of orange juice, and that would play havoc with my heartburn.

Macca returned with fresh batteries, and another five minutes of prodding. She assured me that the baby was fine, she could hear a heartbeat, but she wanted to get a clearer one to reassure me, she showed me the readout saying 120bpm and told me it was the baby’s. I remember thinking at the time how low it was, my previous BPMs usually sat around 160, only looking back did I realise that she was probably showing me my own heartbeat as I started to panic.

She explained that it was probably just her being tired and not being able to find the right spot, so she called in a second midwife, and CTG machine. I was still waiting for them to find the magic spot, I wasn’t thinking about the baby, I was getting annoyed that they were putting so much ultrasound gel on me that it was getting all over the sheets as I moved into different positions, I wanted to go back to sleep once they found the heartbeat and now my sheets were cold and wet with blue gunk.

The second midwife explained that she was just going to give the doctor a call so she could do an ultrasound and make sure all was okay. Macca asked if there was anyone who could look after the boys at short notice, I wasn’t sure why she needed to know, she told me to call Dan and tell him to come in straight away.

That was when I clicked that this was more serious. Though I thought that the baby’s heartbeat was  just low, that it was in distress the same way that Connor was and that they were going to take me in for an emergency c-section. It never crossed my mind that it could be dead.

The doctor, Minka, showed up, she also did my initial appointment, I was so glad to see someone I already knew instead of yet another fresh face. I apologised and said how sorry I was for making her come in early. Macca stood next to the bed and held my hand, I remember hating it, I don’t like people touching my hands, not even Dan.

My belly was already drenched with the ultrasound gel, the doctor didn’t need any more. She put the wand on my bump and there was just silence in the room. I looked at the baby on the screen, it’s spine was at the top, my 20 week ultrasounds had all been with the back at the bottom on the screen, like they were laying down. This baby was suspended in mid air, limbs hanging down, no pulsing blob in its chest, no movement. I looked over at Macca and she had tears welling up in her eyes. Minka explained that the image currently on the screen was a close up of the chest, and she couldn’t see the heart beating. Suddenly that hand holding mine didn’t seem so bad. All I could think of was that I had to call Dan and tell him to hurry up.

My one regret was telling Dan over the phone. I needed him here immediately, I needed him to know how urgent it was, to not stop to talk to his Mum or anything. I asked him what he was doing, he was just packing the kids into the car and asked if I was okay. All I could say was “the baby’s dead.”

I was certain that someone had stayed with me whilst I waited for Dan to come in, but he says that I was alone when he showed up. Minka returned and said that she’d booked me in for 8am with the hospital ultrasound so that they could confirm and make sure there weren’t any other issues that may affect the birth. My room was right at the back of the ward, the midwives were gathered in a huddle half way down the corridor and totally parted for me as I walked through them, I was convinced that everyone was staring at me, everyone we passed, even down to the guy cleaning the carpets, they all knew I was the one with the dead baby in me, and every one was looking at me.

I didn’t even look at the screen on the second ultrasound, just at Dan. I’d wanted to find out the sex then, it didn’t feel right having a “it’s a boy/girl!” moment with a stillbirth. Dan didn’t want to, so we didn’t.

I didn’t so much walk as run back to my room, everything was going fuzzy, I had an IV that I bumped into everything as tried to get away from everyone staring. The bumping made me think that I was attracting even more attention to myself, stressing me out more, making me go faster and making me crash my IV into more things. We got back to the room and I said there was no way I was giving birth, I told Dan I had to have a c-section, that I couldn’t go through the pain of labour and not have a baby to show for it.

The rest of the morning is a blur, my in laws came in, with Connor, and I cried a lot, midwives that had treated me over the last 24 hours came in and said how sorry they were, and I cried a lot, Dan and I sat dumbfounded and together we cried a lot.

The doctors finally came to see me at 11am to explain what the process was, I don’t remember much, just how adamant I was that I wanted a full autopsy. I was so scared that it was something genetic that could be replicated in any children we may have in the future, or lying dormant in one of the boys. The doctor kept on using the phrase “drop off the tree”, there’s still a lot of Australian phrases I don’t know, so this one baffled me, I saw it on a par with “drop off the twig” which isn’t exactly the most compassionate colloquialism. Dan later explained that it’s actually a euphemism and is a nice thing to say, but the entire time she was talking to us I just blanked out and focused on this phrase.

As we waited to go to the delivery ward I cried because I hadn’t taken a 36 week photo, I’d been taking one every five weeks, and had 15, 20, 25 and 30, but I’d forgotten to do it the previous Friday and had instead just put it off until I was 36 weeks. I wanted a photo but I didn’t want a photo of me with a dead baby inside my belly.

12pm I walked across the corridor to the delivery ward. I sobbed the entire way and told Dan that it wasn’t meant to be like this.

We got settled in the birthing room, there was one of those faceless clay figurines on the shelf, a happy mother and father looking down and cradling a newborn baby. It made me bitter and angry, I asked Dan to hide it.

I’d asked for an epidural and we were waiting on the anesthetist, they got everything laid out and set up, only for me to change my mind at the very last minute and go for a Patient Controlled Anesthetic instead. They don’t normally use Fentanyl during labour, it makes the baby too dopey and sleepy, but obviously this wasn’t an issue. Suddenly it became very important for me to feel the birth, I didn’t want that feeling of being completely disconnected.

One of the things that bothered me about Connor’s birth (where I had an epidural) was how distant I felt from it, I didn’t feel the contractions, I didn’t feel him come out, then when they whisked him away so quickly to special care I just sat there totally confused. I’d had a baby apparently, but I hadn’t felt it, and I hadn’t seen him, so I wasn’t entirely certain.

The pitocin began at 1pm.

The PCA did an awesome job of taking the edge off the pain without completely dulling it. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to get through this if I even thought about the fact that the baby wasn’t alive. So we all carried on like it was a completely standard birth, Dan and I chatted to the midwives about where we wanted to travel, we laughed and joked and it felt normal.

I spent the first half of the labour sitting on the bed with my legs crossed underneath me, rocking through the contractions.

At 2pm, 1 hour after the induction begun, Jedda, my midwife, checked me and I was already 4-5cm dilated.

Tiredness was kicking in from my restless night as well as some dopey-ness from the meds, so I stayed laying down and dozed in and out as the contractions came and went. I clicked the button on the PCA every time I felt a contraction beginning and by the time the peak hit it just took away the sharpness. I remember trying so hard to stay peaceful, I was humming through each contraction at the begining, as it went on the humming got more animalistic though – I don’t think I could ever be a silent birther.

I loved being left alone with Dan to just focus on the labour, at one stage when Jedda came in and checked me she rubbed my thigh to help me through a contraction. I have no idea what she did, but it helped so much, I spent the next half hour trying to direct Dan on how to rub my thigh properly to ease the pain and getting frustrated at how he wasn’t doing it right. At one stage, just as I was coming into transition based on my reaction, Dan moved the PCA so he could get closer to the bed and accidentally clicked it off. I don’t remember much of my reaction, just how I felt, most of which was pure anger, I don’t remember saying anything, but according to Dan I completely exploded at him and it took Jedda to calm me down.

Not long after that the PCA hit its two hour limit and ran out of meds, a midwife went to call the anesthetist to either get her permission to readminister the Fentynal or to get her to come and do it, I have no idea. I’d switched to gas by this point to cover the gap, I was sucking in so much during each contraction that I was going into those little gas dreams where everything spins and everyone is repeating themselves.

That’s right about the time I told Dan I had to pee.

Hindsight tells me I should have clicked what that feeling was, and it wasn’t pee, but I didn’t. I felt like I was going to wet myself so I hurried to the bathroom, Dan trailing after me pushing the IV and the PCA stands that were still hooked up to my arm.

Then it goes black.

I don’t know if it was the gas or just my brain trying to block it all out, but I only remember flashes.

Watching Dan walk away to grab the gas I was demanding and screaming at him “the baby’s coming”, I felt this intense pressure and reached down to find her fully crowning.

Black.

Holding my hand over my crotch trying to support the head so I didn’t tear. I was still sitting on the toilet, I wanted to push, I wanted to go back to the bed and I wanted to wait for the midwives, but they seemed to be taking so long.

Black.

Looking down and seeing Jedda, she was talking to me but I couldn’t understand her, I was angry at her, her mouth was moving but it was like she wasn’t making any sound.

Black.

Someone helping me stand up, feeling the baby leave me with a final push.

Black.

Looking down and seeing her in my lap, I was sitting back down on the toilet. I thought it had been a mistake, I remember thinking so clearly that she was alive, she just didn’t look dead, she looked like a normal healthy baby, just asleep. I wanted her to wake up so badly, I was still convinced that they’d all got it wrong, that she was fine and was going to surprise everybody. As soon as I realised that wasn’t going to happen I wanted someone to take her away, I didn’t want to touch her.

Then nothing.

I don’t remember delivering the placenta, I have no idea how I got back into bed, just a massive empty hole. I woke up, laying on my side, my arms wrapped around her, swaddled in a pink and blue blanket with my face pressed into her head, she smelled amazing, sweet new baby smell. I heard Dan on the phone, sobbing as he told his Mum that we were calling her Robyn.

Robyn Jade was officially born still at 3:15pm, weighed 3.1kg and was 50cm long. I don’t remember if there was an “it’s a girl!” moment, it seemed like everyone just knew. I’m glad we didn’t find out at the ultrasound and I’m even more glad that I birthed her instead of opting for a c-section, she deserved that. It was my favourite labour experience so far, I felt in control, I felt supported, and I enjoyed feeling each contraction.

Dan and I spent the afternoon cuddling and holding onto our little girl, the midwives bathed and dressed her for me, took photos and hand prints. Midwives came in and out to hug me, my in laws came to visit and cried as they held onto her. It was truly the most surreal experience of my life.

___________

The following morning I asked for her back so that we could say our final goodbyes. I took off her booties and hat to save in her baby box. Her cheeks had turned pink overnight and she was wrapped in a warm blanket, she looked perfect until I opened up the blanket to take her booties off and her legs were blue and purple, and there was a smell that I could never forget, not overwhelming, but the best I can compare it to is when you open a pack of chicken breasts and you know they’re just not good to eat.

I swaddled her tightly, my overwhelming thought was that I wanted her to sleep soundly, and not have her arms go up and scratch her face. I needed to put a hat on her because I knew that she would be going to the morgue and I didn’t want her to be cold.

I asked a midwife to take a photo of the three of us, in the same way that I have photos of each of the boys as we prepared to go home. It felt weird, and I didn’t know whether I should smile, but I’m very happy I have it.

I kissed her head, laid her down in the little plastic hospital bassinette and told her how much we all loved her, and reminded her how wanted she was. I placed a pink blanket over the top of the bassinette and called in a midwife to wheel her away.

Dan and I held each other and just cried, probably more than I ever did over the previous 24 hours. Birthing her was easy, saying goodbye was the hardest part.

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This was just two weeks ago today, my bleeding has all but stopped, my breasts are completely empty and my stomach has gone. It’s like the last nine months have been some kind of crazy dream, sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, although often I wake up in the night and in my half awake state I think I still am pregnant. I want to remember all of this, but at the same time I want to forget, I want to move on, but I want to mourn at the same time.

I feel like a walking contradiction most days.

The fog is begining to lift, but I’m still struggling to see clearly. I still feel exactly the way I did walking down the maternity ward corridor, like I have a sign on my forehead, like everyone I pass in the street knows that I’m the one with the dead baby. I think people feel like it’s contagious, or if they mention it to me I’ll break down sobbing.

For now I have to just focus on healing, physically there are no issues, but mentally I still feel like someone has taken a hammer to my self confidence and strength.

I’m just dreading the first person who asks me how many children I have.

Inspiration

One thing I keep on hearing over and over again since Robyn’s birth is how “inspirational” I am.

I feel like a fraud.

I certainly don’t feel inspirational, in fact I think I feel pretty much everything but that.

Today I felt jealous. The green eyed monster planted himself firmly on my shoulder in the early hours of the morning and has resided there for most of the day. I’m jealous that suddenly everyone seems to have a baby but me. I crave a little newborn to hold and cuddle, I long to feel movement in my belly again.

I wake at 3am most mornings and lay there staring at the ceiling willing myself to fall back to sleep. I’m shattered most of the day but can’t bring myself to nap. I shouldn’t be suffering from sleepless nights because of the thoughts that run through my head, I should be suffering from them because I’ve been awake all night with a baby attached to my breast. The spot in front of the window where the cradle was meant to be haunts me.

I have so much hidden bitterness to the world around me right now, that I’m trying so hard to contain, that I feel anything but inspirational.